Redneck Baby
	You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers."

Yo Mama
	Yo mama's so lactose intolerant, human kindness makes her throw up!

Try to explain women
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

Careful when you wish
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"


Qualifying for Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."


Three Toilets
Once there was a man who needed to buy a toilet so when he went to the store he found a wood toilet, a frozen toilet, and a singing toilet.

He took the wooden toilet used it once, came back and said, " I'm returning this toilet because every time I sit on it, I get splinters in my bottom.

So he took the frozen toilet, used it once brought it back and said, " I'm returning this toilet because every time I sit on it, my butt gets stuck.

Then he took the singing toilet used it once, brought it back and said, " I'm bringing this back because every time I sit on it, it sings ' Do you see what I see?'"

Three Men
Once there were three really not smart men so the first man went to the choir to learn how to talk. The second man went to the resturant to learn. And the third man went to the candy factory to learn stuff.

One day a police man came up to them and said," Who killed this man?"

The first man said, " Me Me Me!"

The police replied, " What did you kill him with?

The second man said, " Forks, spoons, and knives."

The police said, " Okay you're all going to jail."

Then the third man said, "Goodie goodie gumdrop!"

The Lady in the Shower
Once there was a lady who was in the shower and one day a robber came by and knocked on the door. So she got out of the shower, put on her towel and opened the door. The robber said, "Have you seen the police?" She said, "No."

So she got back in the shower. Then a police knocks on her door and she gets out of the shower puts on her towel and answers it. The police says, "Have you seen a robber?" She said, "He went that way."

So she got back on the shower. Next, a blind man knocks on her door so she puts on her towel and answers the door. He says, "I can't see." She says, "Sorry."

So the next day she put a video camera in her shower so she knew the blind man was coming to knock on her door. So this time she got out of the shower, she DIDN'T put on her towel and she opens the door. The blind man says, "I CAN SEE AGAIN!"

Airplane Down
Once there was 4 people on a plane and the plane was going down. So there was only 3 parachutes. The lawyer jumped up and said, "I'm the smartest person in the world! I have to live!" So he grabbed a parachute and jumped. Next, the doctor jumped up and said, "I save lives so my life has to be saved too!" So he grabbed a parachute and went down. The last 2 people were a pastor and a young boy. The pastor said, "I have lived many years so you can jump." The boy said, "No, that's okay we can both go because the lawyer just went to hell with my backpack!

Smart Dog
One of my friends said they had a smart dog. So I asked, "How smart is it?" And so he askes his dog, "What is 1,234,567,890 times (x) 0?" The dog says nothing.